I've been giving it a lot of thought as to why I have been struggling with my weight loss lately. I am typing this after binging on two bags of M&M's. While they were tasty at the time, I regret eating them. Why is it that I am allowing myself to take one step forward and two steps back? I know that I feel good when I eat right and exercise. And even if it sounds a bit vain, I like it when people comment on my weight loss. I like that I can actually walk 5k and not be winded. Before I got serious with WW back in September, there were times when even walking a few short blocks would make my back ache and I would have to sit to relieve the pressure on my back. I am even embarrassed to admit that. Because really, how did I let myself get to weigh this much in the first place? I consider myself a smart woman but I've made some really stupid decisions about myself in the past especially with my health.
I often wonder if I am punishing myself for something. I mean, only someone who would treat their body this way would have to have a reason for doing so, right? What is my reason? Why don't I help myself and be healthy so that the hang-ups that I have would fall right off right along with my weight? Damn it I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be able to walk into a restaurant and not wonder if the booth I am going to be sitting in will be uncomfortable or if someone is looking at me wondering why I am so overweight. This may seem silly but one of the reasons why I don't like being late to places is because I don't want everyone to watch me walk in. I am afraid that they are thinking "whoa she is big" or " what happened to her?". I have this false sense of security if I am there before everyone because I feel like I will blend in. How can someone so big not stand out? This is the sort of internal dialogue that I have going through my mind quite often.
One of my struggles right now is that I want to do the Do Life run. It would be more like the Do Life walk in my case. But I am afraid of going. I am afraid that I will be the biggest person there and the last one finishing. I am afraid that I won't finish even though I no longer get winded on 5ks. I am afraid that no one will talk to me. I still have a couple of days to decide what I want to do and I hope that I am able to take this negativity and push it aside as I really want to participate in this event. I was reading a book on my Kindle and part of the story dealt with the Special Olympics. In the book they mention the organization's motto which has stuck with me.
Let me win. But if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt.
Tomorrow is a new day and I hope that a week from now I am able to say that I haven't binged in over a week. Brave is what I need to be.
I think it's absolutely amazing that you were able to translate my thoughts into words. I have felt the way that you have felt almost my entire life!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some answers for you .....but I don't. It's a daily struggle for me too and to be honest, it would be great to rid myself of the guilt and shame I feel for eating 'poorly.' In my case I don't think I will ever overcome this.
Hugs to you-you are a great person and I wish I lived closer-we would be walking every day!
A lot of deal with these thoughts -- I'm struggling to shake them off myself. My weight has kept me away from a lot of things (including some family functions) ... its not just about weight, its about fear. Which also has to be dealt with on a psychological level. Thats when its good to say "Eff it" to the world and do what YOU want. Those people aren't holding you back... your mind is. Somebody at DoLife is going to finish last whether you go or not -- but theyre going to walk away saying they did it. Don't let your fears take that kind of glory away from you :)
ReplyDeleteOh how I wish we lived near each other. Move up here, will ya? :) I too, have many of the same thoughts about why I am like this. Some people think it is my childhood but when I think back, I'm not resentful or anything about those times.
ReplyDeleteI definitely know what you mean about being on time to things and wondering about seats at a restaurant. My thing lately is little children. Bless their hearts, they are blunt and honest but I'm always dreading them lately because I get the stares and the occasional "mommy why is she so big" comment.
All we can do it take it one day at a time. We should chat on the phone some time. :)
I definitely understand this. I find myself self-sabotaging whenever I come up on big milestones - why?! It's surprisingly hard to go from a sad and depressed life to one where there's so much to celebrate all the time. It's something I didn't anticipate before starting, and have struggled with all along the journey so far. I look for negatives so I can get depressed, even when situations aren't all that bad - for example, I'll get upset that I ran slower than usual - not thinking that a year ago, I could barely walk. It's not fun feeling sad, but it's what I was used to for so long that it's oddly comforting. It feels like a safety blanket. ♥ Hang in there, and let yourself get sad when you feel like it. Cry until there's nothing left - feel the feelings, just don't let yourself eat them.
ReplyDeleteAnd please, please, please - go to the Do Life event! You won't regret it. Remember: an 8-minute mile is just as far as a 15-minute one. And - Ben talks to everyone, runs and walks with everyone, hugs and high-fives everyone. He's just one of the awesome people you'll meet there - the other runners and walkers are there for the same reason! After the Chicago event, I found everyone else's blogs and was amazed at how every single person said he/she was nervous and didn't think they could do it - because everyone there finished the course and loved life incredibly while doing it.
wow...these comments are blowing my mind. Everything being said here is something I have thought at one point.
ReplyDeletein awe .....
Your words are amazing. I just found this blog and am in the same predicament as you. I do not know why my mind chooses these thoughts. I will follow your blog and continue to read as I feel it will be helpful in my journey towards a healthier weight. Thanks so much!
ReplyDeletethere is nothing wrong with being overweight. I think the media and insensitive people often make it seem like a huge deal, but don't let that get to you.
ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful no matter what and hey, in the Tang dynasty, heavier women were considered the model of beauty.
You are on the right track. I read that you are unemployed. That was me a year ago. If there is anything I can do to help let me know. See you in September!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your feedback. I know that this journey won't be easy and I know that I will have my ups and downs. I've been thinking about it and I will be going to the Do Life event. Like Carbie Girl said, it doesn't matter if I am the last one to finish because I would've completed it.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Marisol! You've been doing so well and you're making a lot of new changes in your life with new ways of thinking about food, how you eat and being active. Don't be so hard on yourself. You inspire me and I really appreciate you being so open on your journey.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a lovely and raw post. I only wish I could write so honestly.
ReplyDelete