Want to join my pity party?

I think that loneliness is one of the worst feelings to have.  And that's how I've been feeling for the past couple of days.  I usually enjoy this time a year and look forward to it because I am with my family In Mexico.  But since I don't have any time off, I am unable to go this year.   My mom left last night and I know she was very excited to go spend time with our family.  I know that you can also feel lonely in a room full of people but when I am with my family in Mexico, it feels like it's a place where I belong.  I would have wanted to spend it surrounded by the warmth that family brings to you. I will be having Christmas Eve dinner with my sister.  And yes, she is family but she and I aren't as close as most people would like to think.  In fact, other members of my family who live in different parts of the world probably know me better than she does.   That is just the way it is & it's something I have come to terms with.  I love my sister and would do anything for her but we've never really been close and it becomes more apparent the older we get.  Perhaps its melancholy rearing its unwanted head that is making me feels this way. 

I am also reminded of the last Christmas I spent feeling this way which was back in 2000.  Now that was truly a depressing end of the year.  My dad was getting ready to move out and both my mom and sister left to spend the holidays in Mexico.  My dad decided that we would do Christmas Eve dinner on the 23^rd to avoid the crowds at the restaurants.  That was a fun dinner. He spent most of it telling me how much responsibility I would now have since he wasn't going to be there & started telling me how he didn't agree with some aspects of my life.  Oh fun times!  He didn't want to do anything Christmas Eve so when I was leaving the house to go spend time with my friend's family, he saw that I was carrying a bottle of wine with me, proceeded to call me an alcoholic & a fight ensued.  Mind you, this was a gift for my friend since she didn't want me to bring anything else over. And more importantly, I am not now nor was I ever an alcoholic.  I've never been the type of person who depends on alcohol or can't go a day without it.  But he didn't see it that way and him calling me that was the last Christmas gift he ever gave me.  Ah memories…they can be an unreliable bitch or a best friend.