Kindle me this...

I caved in and purchased one. I have been using the Kindle app so much on my iPhone that I know that I would get use of out the Kindle. I like the iphone app but the screen is too small for continuous reading. Also, it drains my battery

What a way to end my birthday month shopping spree.

Now I need book recommendations =)

Sent by my iPhone

Just breathe...

I've been feeling craptacular since yesterday. I think I even had a fever last night and today I woke up with an f*cking fever blister on my lip. I tend to get these whenever I get really stressed. It's the way my body tells me to slow down and just breathe. I don't know if it's work or life or both that is making me stress out but a conversation I had today didn't help at all.

My mom called me and told me that one of my dad's sisters had emailed her a couple of days ago asking if she had heard from my dad. Apparently, my aunt hasn't heard from my dad in seven months and she has tried to contact him several times and he hasn't called her back. My mom responded and told her that we hadn't heard from him since 2001 and that she was unable to help her. She also told my aunt that she thought it was wrong that he didn't try to remain in contact with my sister or I after all these years but that she wished him well in whatever he was doing.

My aunt wrote her back saying that the only reason she had even emailed my mom is that she said she was worried and thought that perhaps my mom, my sister or I knew where he was. Apparently, he is living in Veracruz and he was going through a difficult time and that is why she was worried. She then mentioned that about a year ago she had talked to my dad about my sister & I. My aunt told my mom that he was waiting for time to pass by to let things cool down and that he hadn't forgotten about his daughters and that he missed us very much.

I have no idea how to feel about this whole conversation. Should I care that he hasn't been in touch with his family? Should I care that he is going through some issues? Life for me and my family has had it's ups and downs since 2001 and he hasn't been there for them. Why should I care?

I have this weird feeling that something is going to happen but I don't know what that will be. But I don't like it. All of the sudden the topic of my dad is back in my life. Why? To be brutally honest, I really hope that nothing comes from this email because I am not ready to deal with it. Ever since I hung up with my mom, I have been feeling restless and anxious.

Troubled

This past Sunday was sort of difficult for me. It was Father’s Day and my father hasn't been a part of my life since 2001. In the past, it hasn’t really bothered me but something that happened a few weeks ago has been on my mind and made yesterday a rather crappy day for me.

During my birthday dinner, my family (mom & sister) and I were having a good time enjoying some great food, drinks & conversation. Somehow, my mom brought up my dad and the fact that she was upset with him because since we stopped speaking to him, he had never tried to make contact with us (us being my sister and I). Not a single birthday card or knowledge of his whereabouts since 2001. Why she decided to bring this up during dinner I will never know. She had had a few glasses of wine and that is when she tends to get emotional and at times, gets diarrhea of the mouth. I don’t mean any disrespect towards my mom but there have been several family occasions when she says more than she should and it happens when she has been drinking. But that is not the point. Or maybe it is.

My sister tried to change the subject but wasn’t successful and that is when I started ordering shots of Patron. Disclaimer: when I drink, I usually get happier or retreat into more of an introvert. I don’t act out and get all crazy which sometimes I wish I could do but never gotten to that point. There have only been a few times that I have gotten overly emotional or maybe gotten pissed and those times there was always a reason for it. I can count those occasions on one hand.

Anyways, my mom kept dwelling on this issue and I finally told her that I didn’t care that I didn’t have a relationship with my dad. At this point in my life, I don’t want a toxic relationship with him which is what we had. I am much happier without having that stress in my life. I was the one that made the decision to stop talking to him. My sister, who also doesn’t have a relationship with him, said that in the future if she ever got married for example, she would like him to be there if they could mend their relationship. The relationship that my sister had with my dad is very different than the one I had with him. I will get into why in a bit. I must mention that this was a civilized conversation during dinner although at times it got a bit crunchy. My mom started to get upset because in this hypothetical situation, my dad would be there on a special day for my sister and all my mom could think of was how it would affect her. I looked at my mom wide-eyed and told her that this wasn’t about her, that this day would be about my sister. She asked me how I would feel if I saw my dad there and I told her that he wasn’t going to be there for me. He would be there for my sister because she wanted him there and I would be there for HER not HIM. Basically, my mom was getting mad because I don’t want a relationship with my dad but at the same time she is mad that my sister may. Doesn’t make sense, does it?

My mom can’t understand why after all these years my sister would want to have a relationship with my dad. My sister tried to explain that one of the reasons why my relationship with my dad was so toxic was because of my mom. When my mom first found out my dad was having an affair and continued to do so for a couple of months, she unfortunately turned to me and started telling me crap about him that as a 16 year old, you don’t want to know about your dad. There a lot of things that my sister doesn’t know about what happened during this time and I will never tell her. She knows that there are things she doesn’t know and she wants to keep it that way. She told my mom that it was unfair that I knew these things because I was his daughter too and my mom should have been an adult during this time and not confided in me. I was the one that once ran after my sister when we both came home from school because my dad wouldn’t let us in the house because he was on the phone with his lady friend supposedly asking her not to call him at the house. My sister got upset (she was 14 & I was 17) and didn’t know what to do so she ran. I was the one that had to basically tell them to leave the house whenever they would start to fight in their room because my sister and I could hear them yelling at one another. I can remember being so angry at my dad that after he moved out and then my sister and I found out he was still seeing that woman & had a child with her that I threatened to call the cops because he wouldn’t leave the house (by this time my parents were separated and he wasn’t living at home). Do you know how awful I felt thinking that I needed to call the cops? Seriously, that was such a low point for me.

But what really has been bothering me the past few weeks is that when my sister told me mom that she was partly at fault as to why my dad and I didn’t get along all she said was “well, who was I supposed to talk to? I needed someone to talk to.” And my sister proceeded to tell her that it wasn’t right for me to be the one she talked to. But in all these years, she has felt justified in telling me all these things. As far as I can remember, she has never once apologized for telling me all the crap in their relationship. So yesterday when I spent the day with my mom and sister, I felt troubled and honestly didn’t want to be with my mom. Not that I blame her for anything to do with my relationship with my dad but I was mad that she had brought all these up on a day that was supposed to be a happy one and even more that she has never said she is sorry. Seeing everyone out celebrating and feeling this way just added salt to a deep wound which I try to hide. Most of the time I am successful at it but yesterday it was hard. Even writing about it now, I feel like I have a knot in my stomach and I feel like I can't breathe.

A quiz because my brain is too scattered today

I am stealing this from Amber.

What is your current obsession? Vampires. Blame it on freaking Twilight. I am addicted to True Blood right now. Bought the first season on iTunes and I am hooked.

What is your weirdest obsession? hhhmmm... I think right now I have been on a kick of eating coconuts. Sort of weird, right? I get them at Whole Foods and they are so yummy.

Starbucks or Caribou? I used to be total hooked on Starbucks but ever since I tried Blue Bottle Coffee, I have been hooked. I don't drink it that often since they only have 3 locations that I know of in SF & also haven't been drinking coffee as much.

What’s for dinner? Went to Whole Foods and picked up some sushi. My mom and sister were over so we picked up some dinner & watched a movie.

What would you eat for your last meal? The dinner I had for my 30th birthday from Foreign Cinema... ceasar salad with manchego, fried curry chicken with appricots & spinach & chocolate mousse. Yes, it was that good. And perhaps a bottle of Amista 2004 Cabernet.

What was the last thing you bought? Fage yogurt and the current issue of Vanity Fair (Johnny Depp on the cover) and People (Chace Crawford on the cover).

What are you listening to right now? iTunes on shuffle mode... song currently on is Silly Ho by TLC.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Right now it would be Trader Joe's Mango Sorbet.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? Vegas!

Which language do you want to learn? Although Chinese would be most beneficial seeing that I work for a Asian financial institution, I would like to improve my French.

What is your favorite quote (for now)? Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

What is your favorite color? Purple

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe? jeans

What is your dream job? I don't know what my dream job would be. I know that I would want it to be something to do with tech & the beauty industry.

What is your worst habit? Biting my nails.

If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on? A Sephora haul

What are you going to do after this? Relax before Sunday is over.

What are your favorite movies? Right now it would be the Hangover. Freaking hilarious!

What is your favorite fruit?coconut, mango & watermelon.

What inspires you? my family, friends, the weather, music...

What is your favorite book? The Red Book by Sera Beak

Do you collect something? make up, wine & movies

What is your favorite smell? vanilla lavender

What are you most proud of? being on my own & enjoying life.

How many times do you press the snooze button before you get up? Too many times to admit! Ha!

Cats or dogs? Neither... I am terrified of cats & dogs are ok but wouldn't own one.

Complete the following: Love is… all around you.

What do you like best about yourself (can be a physical characteristic and/or a personality trait)? I consider myself loyal & trustworthy.

What do you dislike about yourself? I wish I was more outgoing and not such an introvert.

I'm officially part of the Dirty Thirty

At least that is what I have been told all weekend long. I had one of the best weekends and I truly feel blessed by the family and friends that are part of my life. I didn't want a huge deal made for my birthday but I did want to celebrate it with those close to me.

Saturday - on the last day of my 20's, I had a blast! Saturday morning two of my friends and I were going to go to Cha Cha Cha's. When I open the door to let them in, there were 4 of them there. I was surprised by two other friends. . It was such a great surprise to see them and be surrounded by some great ladies. We hung out at my place for a bit and then we proceeded to the restaurant where we shared some laughs and a great time. I am addicted to their food and sangria.

After they dropped me off, I went to a MAC counter to get my make up done since I was going to dinner that night. I think the MAC MUA did a great job & I ended up purchasing some goodies.


I think I want to wear false lashes all the time now. =)

Saturday night we ended up going to Foreign Cinema. And D, you were so right. The fried curry chicken was freaking fantastic! I never thought fried chicken could taste so good. We also got some oysters for an appetizer and seriously, these were the smallest oysters I have ever seen.

I also had the ceaser salad with manchego which was really excellent. I couldn't tell you what my mom and sister ordered but they enjoyed their meal. After a total of 6 drinks (4 martinis & two shots of Patron), I was feeling no pain and then they brough out a chocolate mousse type of dessert with a candle. My mom was a bit tipsy and she invited the table next to us to sing me Happy Birthday. Usually I would have been so embarrassed but I was laughing my ass off. We were all feeling pretty happy that night.






Sunday ~ my actual birthday I got up at effing 5 am. What the hell is that all about? My mom and sister spent the night at my place and since they were still asleep, I was in my living room just chilling and feeling bored. They finally woke up and we went to Zazie in Cole Valley. I guess they are known for their eggs benedict but I am not a fan of poached eggs. Yuck! My sister had them and she enjoyed them. I had the gingerbread pancakes and the three of us shared a bottle of champagne and made mimosas. What a great way to start the day! It was such a fantastic day in SF weather wise that we spent the rest of the day in Ocean Beach/Cliff House area. We ended up having dinner at the Cliff House. I think I spent most of the weekend under the influence of alcohol but it was great to see that I can still hang.







Monday ~ I had the day off so I slept in and decided to go see a movie. Saw the Hangover (how appropriate) and laughed so much. I had such a great birthday and one that I won't soon forget. This was just the way I wanted to kick off the start of my 30's!

Welcome to the dirty 30's!

Sangria, martinis, shots of Patron & red wine... Shouldn't I know
better by now?

Sent from my iPhone

Birthday cupcakes! <3