During my birthday dinner, my family (mom & sister) and I were having a good time enjoying some great food, drinks & conversation. Somehow, my mom brought up my dad and the fact that she was upset with him because since we stopped speaking to him, he had never tried to make contact with us (us being my sister and I). Not a single birthday card or knowledge of his whereabouts since 2001. Why she decided to bring this up during dinner I will never know. She had had a few glasses of wine and that is when she tends to get emotional and at times, gets diarrhea of the mouth. I don’t mean any disrespect towards my mom but there have been several family occasions when she says more than she should and it happens when she has been drinking. But that is not the point. Or maybe it is.
My sister tried to change the subject but wasn’t successful and that is when I started ordering shots of Patron. Disclaimer: when I drink, I usually get happier or retreat into more of an introvert. I don’t act out and get all crazy which sometimes I wish I could do but never gotten to that point. There have only been a few times that I have gotten overly emotional or maybe gotten pissed and those times there was always a reason for it. I can count those occasions on one hand.
Anyways, my mom kept dwelling on this issue and I finally told her that I didn’t care that I didn’t have a relationship with my dad. At this point in my life, I don’t want a toxic relationship with him which is what we had. I am much happier without having that stress in my life. I was the one that made the decision to stop talking to him. My sister, who also doesn’t have a relationship with him, said that in the future if she ever got married for example, she would like him to be there if they could mend their relationship. The relationship that my sister had with my dad is very different than the one I had with him. I will get into why in a bit. I must mention that this was a civilized conversation during dinner although at times it got a bit crunchy. My mom started to get upset because in this hypothetical situation, my dad would be there on a special day for my sister and all my mom could think of was how it would affect her. I looked at my mom wide-eyed and told her that this wasn’t about her, that this day would be about my sister. She asked me how I would feel if I saw my dad there and I told her that he wasn’t going to be there for me. He would be there for my sister because she wanted him there and I would be there for HER not HIM. Basically, my mom was getting mad because I don’t want a relationship with my dad but at the same time she is mad that my sister may. Doesn’t make sense, does it?
My mom can’t understand why after all these years my sister would want to have a relationship with my dad. My sister tried to explain that one of the reasons why my relationship with my dad was so toxic was because of my mom. When my mom first found out my dad was having an affair and continued to do so for a couple of months, she unfortunately turned to me and started telling me crap about him that as a 16 year old, you don’t want to know about your dad. There a lot of things that my sister doesn’t know about what happened during this time and I will never tell her. She knows that there are things she doesn’t know and she wants to keep it that way. She told my mom that it was unfair that I knew these things because I was his daughter too and my mom should have been an adult during this time and not confided in me. I was the one that once ran after my sister when we both came home from school because my dad wouldn’t let us in the house because he was on the phone with his lady friend supposedly asking her not to call him at the house. My sister got upset (she was 14 & I was 17) and didn’t know what to do so she ran. I was the one that had to basically tell them to leave the house whenever they would start to fight in their room because my sister and I could hear them yelling at one another. I can remember being so angry at my dad that after he moved out and then my sister and I found out he was still seeing that woman & had a child with her that I threatened to call the cops because he wouldn’t leave the house (by this time my parents were separated and he wasn’t living at home). Do you know how awful I felt thinking that I needed to call the cops? Seriously, that was such a low point for me.
But what really has been bothering me the past few weeks is that when my sister told me mom that she was partly at fault as to why my dad and I didn’t get along all she said was “well, who was I supposed to talk to? I needed someone to talk to.” And my sister proceeded to tell her that it wasn’t right for me to be the one she talked to. But in all these years, she has felt justified in telling me all these things. As far as I can remember, she has never once apologized for telling me all the crap in their relationship. So yesterday when I spent the day with my mom and sister, I felt troubled and honestly didn’t want to be with my mom. Not that I blame her for anything to do with my relationship with my dad but I was mad that she had brought all these up on a day that was supposed to be a happy one and even more that she has never said she is sorry. Seeing everyone out celebrating and feeling this way just added salt to a deep wound which I try to hide. Most of the time I am successful at it but yesterday it was hard. Even writing about it now, I feel like I have a knot in my stomach and I feel like I can't breathe.
My mom can’t understand why after all these years my sister would want to have a relationship with my dad. My sister tried to explain that one of the reasons why my relationship with my dad was so toxic was because of my mom. When my mom first found out my dad was having an affair and continued to do so for a couple of months, she unfortunately turned to me and started telling me crap about him that as a 16 year old, you don’t want to know about your dad. There a lot of things that my sister doesn’t know about what happened during this time and I will never tell her. She knows that there are things she doesn’t know and she wants to keep it that way. She told my mom that it was unfair that I knew these things because I was his daughter too and my mom should have been an adult during this time and not confided in me. I was the one that once ran after my sister when we both came home from school because my dad wouldn’t let us in the house because he was on the phone with his lady friend supposedly asking her not to call him at the house. My sister got upset (she was 14 & I was 17) and didn’t know what to do so she ran. I was the one that had to basically tell them to leave the house whenever they would start to fight in their room because my sister and I could hear them yelling at one another. I can remember being so angry at my dad that after he moved out and then my sister and I found out he was still seeing that woman & had a child with her that I threatened to call the cops because he wouldn’t leave the house (by this time my parents were separated and he wasn’t living at home). Do you know how awful I felt thinking that I needed to call the cops? Seriously, that was such a low point for me.
But what really has been bothering me the past few weeks is that when my sister told me mom that she was partly at fault as to why my dad and I didn’t get along all she said was “well, who was I supposed to talk to? I needed someone to talk to.” And my sister proceeded to tell her that it wasn’t right for me to be the one she talked to. But in all these years, she has felt justified in telling me all these things. As far as I can remember, she has never once apologized for telling me all the crap in their relationship. So yesterday when I spent the day with my mom and sister, I felt troubled and honestly didn’t want to be with my mom. Not that I blame her for anything to do with my relationship with my dad but I was mad that she had brought all these up on a day that was supposed to be a happy one and even more that she has never said she is sorry. Seeing everyone out celebrating and feeling this way just added salt to a deep wound which I try to hide. Most of the time I am successful at it but yesterday it was hard. Even writing about it now, I feel like I have a knot in my stomach and I feel like I can't breathe.
I went through a very similar situation where my father disappeared from my life. My brother wanted to see him and I didn't. It's all about how you personally feel and it's hard for others to understand that sometimes. Just do what's best for you and it'll all work out in the end.
ReplyDeleteYou are right. Only I personally know how I feel and right now I am feeling conflicted. I hope that feeling goes away soon enough. ty
ReplyDeleteWow. It's really interesting to see your reflections on your dad and that situation with your mom. I really enjoyed reading it. It's hard to believe this has been this way with your dad pretty much your whole adult life, and I've wondered about you in regards to this from time to time. I feel mostly sad for him, and all that he is and will miss out on in your extraordinary life. Being a parent now, I just can't imagine ... but obviously he has his reasons whatever they may be. You, of course, are such a strong independent chick, you'll be just fine with or without him. Your sister is very fortunate to have you and your support.
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